There is a belief now in human society that first we escaped from the wild, and now we are destroying it. Perhaps the wild is always waiting. Although we think we are separated from it, is it not simply the source of who we are.. and in remembering who we are, might we integrate again with Nature in some way as yet unseen? 

Since watching the incredible film My Octopus Teacher, I was drawn to read a book about relationships with octopuses.. it has been interesting to read this book and witness how my pain body reacted, as the situation was not the same at all. In the book octopuses are taken out of the wild and kept as exhibits, and the people who do this are learning about them.

Although the people are aware of the effects of the captivity on the octopuses on a certain intellectual level, it does not seem to influence their actions. They continue to take more young ones out of the wild, and the same issues are encountered each time as the wild ones naturally wish to escape their artificial and separated situation. At first I found this deeply upsetting, and yet in focusing into the reaction itself, which is my own ego mirroring the ego of the captors, I was able to let go of some deep limitations. 

The octopus book also reminded me of my own attitude to horses when I made very similar assumptions. I also believed my actions were a result of my love for them. I made all the same kind of excuses as the octopus people do. Thought-based justifications for something that can truly have no justification.. because we do not own any other being, and although we may have the power to separate them from Nature this does not mean it is love.

We also have the power to put horses into tiny boxes for large periods of their life, and we still do this. Perhaps we only focus on causing separation in our physical lives when we still listen to what the ego tells us… that separation exists at all.  

The Wild

The first awakening was to begin to understand that horses belong as herd, and are therefore completed in some profound and ancient way, by living in the herd. There are many ripples which unfold into a whole new situation when this primary truth is accepted.

Blocking the flow of the individual becomes inappropriate as individuals are understood in relation to the whole. The changes have involved establishing a space for the herd where they can live as autonomously as possible. It goes much deeper than this though, the dissolution of ego. It is about what I bring to the herd, my energy, my presence.

Do I bring awareness that each moment is all that there is, or do I bring the baggage of our history, and expectations for our future? That is the choice, that is always a choice every time, every moment. 

There is not going to be a way, an approach, a technique that will ensure the future I desire, because there is no future. There is only Now.

Being with the horses really does mean being with the herd, the whole herd. Imagine the whole herd as one horse in all their facets! Some of the horses will be eating, some will be resting, some will be going to drink, sometimes they come together, sometimes they drift apart, but there is no real space and time. The herd is always One. To dialogue with this whole horse requires a shift of awareness.. an open invitation. 

How does everything fit together… why is it that there can be mind blowing experiences on the energetic plane one day, one moment, and the next there might be a simple sense of peace? It is clear that losing presence and getting caught up in the web of thought is another issue.. a distraction, running around in circles.. but what is it that directs the experiences within the energetic connection?  Such questions seem to be answered so beautifully from so many sources, in a kaleidoscope of examples and concepts and experiences.

One came about listening to Kim Eng in her and Eckhart Tollé’s meditation series Being the Light. She explained that she had understood in her awakening process, that we are the instrument.. the access for experience to be felt through. The Universe, God, consciousness, comes through us, if there is a clear path, unblocked by pain body, and it is in our awareness of that that the experiences happen. Therefore to seek the experience itself will always take us further away.

Another beautiful teaching that articulates this so perfectly is from deeply awakened friend and guide Sabinanda Ananda, who wrote this beautiful transmission about what we truly are.

You have been identifying yourself like a Mala.
We see how meticulously you have hand knotted each bead of your experiences together to create a complex Mala - a living touchstone for self-reference. Notice how every experience has become a bead... tightly knotted together to form a Mala of an understanding of who you are in a linear held together way.
This happens unconsciously, but it is time to make this conscious. You repetitively touch each bead and repeat the vibrational mantra of, "I am this, this is me... I am this, this is me,"
over and over again with great unconscious belief and conviction
that this is true.

We are here to show you how easily these knots can come apart, to be allowed to fall free, back like drops into the ocean.
Let this Mala fall apart.
The thread that was holding it together is a thread of fear, each knot a configured knot tied by a thread of fear trying to keep it in place.
Do not try to keep it neatly linked together any longer.
You do not need this touchstone any longer.
Let every experience come and go freely, without knotting it into a
Return the beads to the ocean, some will float, some will sink, but they will all return.
And in the falling apart of this well constructed Mala you discover the freedom of being cut loose and loosened...
and lost will be self referencing
and found
in the Sea
of Self Realization you will be.

Sabina Cox

Perhaps Self Realisation, what we are, what it is can be understood as the blow hole of a whale that the ocean is filtered through. The blow hole is what we are, and when it is open and clear, the wisdom can come through.. somewhat filtered by our individuality. The blow hole is the present moment, it is awareness itself. 

Being with the herd this week, I was inspired to invite in the whole herd, to truly hear them as one horse. To manifest an external space I opened up the arena, and my intention was to be present: 

Gradually I became aware of irritation/frustration.. what is supposed to happen..  realising this (pain body) is coming from my history with horses… always having to get something from the interaction, so many layers of wanting and seeking to let go of.. knowing seeking is not the way yet how to stop seeking? Finding that my awareness of my frustration is bringing true presence, and there is a sense of being swept into the herd by Cheyenne and Marie.. a sense of such potential.. just there, so close.. that talks of the horses and how they move together, what they feel, who they are.. who I can be with them..

Yet it is still obscured.. not quite coming through and this triggered pain body again.. remembering to embrace it, to listen…to it.. it is a need for recognition from these animals.. like a scream of want trapped inside.. there is some relief in being present with this pain body.. Gorrion and then Honey sharing this time with me.. gradual healing and into remembrance that this moment is truly everything. All that there is, all that is needed.. wow the freedom in this, and the feeling in consciousness of driving so fast in a seventh gear… Rafael came in to the arena and then a group of others, as if they are coming to give a class.. to do something together… feeling of amazements at the rapidity of their responsiveness and again thought is taking over.. expectations arising.. and everyone left again… gently, without judgment, simply flowing away…coming back to feeling this expectation.. a heavy, tight band like hard plastic in my mind… it feels so deeply stuck in human consciousness..

Going into the barn now… becoming aware of a persistent sense of tension.. it seems to affect the horses.. they are bickering, and there is a general grumpiness… are we truly experiencing this in the collective mind? that feels amazing, recognising the reality of it, yet it is so difficult to stay present with this… is this is why presence is difficult, because painful patterns come up? understanding that it can be accepted fully, this painful, heavy, tight, small pattern.. observing the herd reaction…some of us distract ourselves from it: Quaramba and Rafi at the bale, some of us embrace it: Aimée and Marie.. some can react to it: Cheyenne and Totti,  and we can all feel it.. love for it starts to seep in.. love for all of us.. we are sharing this… there is a feeling of the sun coming out.. my heart centre unfolding.. things will be okay..

Saturday the 31st of October

This is it, to know this whole horse appearing deep within the present moment. To disengage and liberate the pain body which clouds the blowhole. And to let go of the chain of experience I have identified myself with.

An idea comes that thoughts from the individual mind can say anything, like drawings in the condensation on glass. Yet the wisdom of Source comes from the one consciousness of all. The whole, Nature, wisdom itself. Today I practice listening, feeling, witnessing without agenda.

Present with the Whole Horse

An agenda can only effectuate a separation from the present moment. Truly being here, now, within… all trace of agenda is erased. Being the open blowhole is the only purpose there is.  I understand during this practice to go so deep into the energetic connection.. that in reaching it, in staying engaged, it is not possible to bring it all into words yet.

Most of the herd are coming one by one to commune on this level. All that comes back up into though is the flow, how they flow like water. They flow out everywhere, their grazing is a flow, their drinking, their movement and their resting is all an uninhibited, utterly natural, flow. Then another knowing came through.. The wildness is waiting.

I could feel that this flow, this force is the wildness, and it cannot disappear because it is coming from the one greater source, and is simply expressed through them. The wildness is consciousness itself, and even if we capture them, the individual beings, and shut them down, or shut ourselves down… the wildness will still be waiting there for the door to open again, and it will be open as soon as it is seen, the open door is presence itself.

Sunday the 1st of November

The wildness will still be waiting there for the door to open again, and it will be open as soon as it is seen, the open door is presence itself.

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